Blog | FIFA President Blatter talks of ‘acchhe din’ when asked about Qatar controversy

This post was also published on FAKING NEWS on 20th July 2014 :—————————————————————
Note | This post is NOT about actual events. It uses real-life names to build FICTIONAL stories that fly on the wings of imagination, fuelled by good humour.
Enjoy with a pinch of good old sporting sarcasm.

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In a startling revelation a few hours ago, FIFA President Sepp Blatter, when asked why on earth did FIFA award Qatar the FIFA World Cup 2022 hosting rights, admitted it to be his attempt to bring “acchhe din” in Qatar. “Yeah, yeah… people have nothing there… poor people. We at least give them football! Happy sports! Good days!” added the President in protest. SEPP

 

In a previous news report some months ago, it had jokingly been reported that Qatar – a country with no history or association with football and with temperatures around 42C during the event’s time – being given the hosting rights for the next FIFA World Cup. That, co-incidentally, came true – luring many corporate giants to make investments in the middle-eastern nation.

Blatter, who appeared quite startled at himself for having randomly blurted the words, chose to stick to his excuse, while also adding to a following question, “What nonsense! What do you mean I had something to smoke before I came here?”

One of the shocked and emotionally charged reporters later demanded of Blatter, “Sir, how come in a world where Sharapova does not know about Sachin, you have heard of “acchhe din”?”

“Well, the World Cup isn’t the only thing on my mind you see… How can one be obsessed with football all the time? I am in my fifth term you see…” He further revealed to have closely followed Narendra Modi’s recent political campaign. “We had to take care of the public in Brazil, you should remember. I was only looking for lessons in marketing ‘development’.”

While praising Modi’s successful victory with the “acchhe din” catchphrase, sources in the FIFA office also talked about plans to invite NaMo for the Opening Ceremony in 2022 – after the Obama government’s sensational invitation despite having denied Modi a visa for years. “Yeah, Shakira has appeared just too many times for us and Pique now. He might even retire now. We had to keep everything in mind,” one of the officials added.

Shortly later, Vijay Mallaya tweeted – “NaMo – the new king of good times”. Narendra Modi, currently pleasing reporters along with the others at BRICS, could not be reached for a comment.

In the past few weeks Blatter has come under media scanner for awarding the hosting rights for the next chapter in football history to Qatar, although he seems to have successfully survived the Brazil test.  “Oh yes,” Blatter continued to blabber, much to the shock of reporters present in the conference. “I made the rule eliminating stadia above 2500mts. as football venues before the Brazil World Cup…. That ensured Bolivia, Ecuador and Colombia steered clear of Brazil’s “rights as a nation with rich footballing history””, finished the FIFA president – with the air quotes and a wink.

When reached for a comment, Golden Boot winner James Rodriguez from Colombia complained angrily over the phone, “Yeah! Colombia, my home country! Same continent! But no home game! We here very angry! Why you think I score so many goals!” (sic)

“And from Brazil, we now will go to Qatar – the other home of football” he defiantly added, causing two reporters to tear their shirts in protest of his stupidity, revealing  their  ‘What about Messi’s Golden Ball Award’ banners stuck to their chests.

Defending the Qatar fiasco, Blatter blattered on, “Now I have even asked the gay fans to not do sex while the World Cup is on!” This was assumed to be a sudden reaction to the international community’s concern over the country’s attitude towards homosexuality with regards to FIFA’s recent moves to make the game neutral and fair.

Earlier, after the World Cup exit, Wayne Rooney, while reacting over the Qatar decision had said “I might not play there. Retire before that, who knows. Scored my World Cup goal anyway… England never has a chance, why risk my life in the desert, anyway?” Other footballers have raised similar concerns with Ronaldo also being worried about getting the extra tan while in Qatar.

Previously, Blatter has been known to suggest splitting World Cup games into four quarters to suit TV viewership and expanding the goals to facilitate more goals in matches. While he had blamed UFO experiments for these suggestions in later conferences, Blatter had claimed promotion of “a more female aesthetic” a few months later while suggesting tighter skirts for female players.

In a recent press conference while talking about sexual equality in the game, Blatter was known to be again at it  –  “We now have three ladies on the board,” said Blatter at FIFA’s congress in Mauritius. “Say something, ladies. You are always speaking at home, say something now.” “So much for sexual equality and breaking prejudices!” one of the aforementioned ladies was known to have whispered to a reporter near her.

Sources also think that other FIFA members may be contemplating a mandatory drug test on Blatter before his conferences. “He doesn’t seem to be in any mood to leave the Chair. At least he may save us from these embarrassing public gibberish without whatever he is taking!”

John Terry has till date, remained the only player from the footballing fraternity to come out in defence of the FIFA President. “You should give new ideas a fair chance,” he said. “New ideas and attitudes help in the development of the game. Like you see how he said I’d be celebrated in some countries for sleeping with my teammate’s wife, unlike here in England!”

While mystery still hangs over FIFA’s out-of-the-box decision to award FIFA and Brazilians continue to suffer, we are trying to reach the PMO India for their comment over the use of “acchhe din”. So far, silence hangs over this and many other questions, while the tweets continue to flow.

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